Difficult conversations often happen because better conversations didn’t.
Most leaders know that regular, meaningful conversations with their people matter. Gallup’s research consistently links them to higher engagement, and engagement to better performance. Yet in Australian workplaces, these conversations are among the most avoided parts of leadership.
It’s rarely laziness and it’s rarely a lack of care. After a career in HR in some of Australia’s largest corporations and 15 years running my own leadership training organisation, I’ve seen the same thing repeatedly: leaders have never been taught how to have these conversations well.
The avoidance cycle
The manager waits until a performance improvement plan to give real feedback. The executive sends the email instead of picking up the phone. The supervisor hands the issue to HR. When the conversation finally happens, the other person gets defensive, nothing changes, and the leader concludes it’s not worth the risk. The avoidance continues.
What the research tells us
Three findings explain why this cycle is so persistent.
Feedback can backfire. Kluger and DeNisi’s 1996 meta analysis of over 600 effects found that feedback improved performance on average, but in more than a third of cases it made performance worse. Whether feedback is given matters less than how it is given, and particularly whether it directs attention to the task or to the person.
Stress narrows thinking. Arnsten (2009) reviewed how stress signalling impairs prefrontal cortex function, the region we rely on for reasoning, planning and flexible thinking. A leader who walks into a conversation anxious, and a team member who walks in feeling threatened, are both working with less of their thinking capacity. Little wonder the conversation fails.
Uncertainty adds to the threat. De Berker and colleagues (2016) found that stress responses were highest when the outcome was most uncertain, not when it was certain and bad. “Can we talk?” followed by days of silence is a good example of uncertainty doing the damage before the conversation even starts.
Why the usual advice falls short
“Just be direct.” “Have the tough conversation.” “Give regular feedback.” None of it explains how to do it well. Some organisations treat blunt feedback as a badge of honour, and the result is often disengaged teams, broken trust and leaders who mistake constant criticism for coaching.
The five-part series
Over the next five weeks, I’m translating the research into practical brain-based conversation principles:
Create Safety and Manage Emotions
Build Connection and Trust
Foster Growth and Motivation
Enhance Focus and Understanding
Enable Action and Accountability
Where to start
Think of the conversation you’ve been avoiding. Write down the one outcome you want from it, and what you’d want the other person to feel when it ends. That small step moves you from rehearsing to preparing.