I speak about toxic behaviours for a living, specifically workplace bullying. I don’t blame you for thinking this does not sound like an exciting career choice.
Surprisingly, it is, I love it.
Our signature development program, Respectful Workplace: It Starts With You, has been rolled out to over 16,000 leaders and employees across Australia. As you can imagine, we learn more from running this program than we could ever have imagined. We like to call it ‘our living PhD’.
💬 Introducing a workshop scenario that has taught me more than any theory: Poor Paula!
Paula was sitting in the staff lunch room when her teammates were celebrating a colleague’s birthday. Paula was offended that she had not been invited to join the group and have some cake, as she had been a part of the team for over 12 months. She goes to see her boss, crying, claiming the team is bullying her.
The question discussed: “Is this Bullying or Not Bullying?”
The case study itself is pretty straightforward. The real learnings have come from people's reactions to it over the years.
✅ Three Common Responses That Taught Me More Than Theory
1️⃣ The Frustrated Coworkers
A group of software developers threw their workbooks down in frustration: "There's not enough information to decide!" They were absolutely right. But here's the thing—this is exactly how much info we usually get at work. The real question is: will we get curious and dig deeper, or will we judge quickly and say "Toughen up, it's just cake!"? (yes, this is a common response).
2️⃣ The Adamant Ones
In almost every session, someone insists, "YES, that's bullying!" while everyone else sees the grey. When I ask why they're so certain, they always say the same thing: "Because that happened to me!"
They're viewing today's situation through the lens of their past experience—maybe from childhood, maybe from their last job. We all do this. Same event, completely different reactions, all based on our personal perspective.
3️⃣ The ‘Paulas’- The Ones Left Out
A few times, someone has gotten visibly upset and even walked out. When I check in, the response is usually: "I feel like I AM Paula. This is happening to me right now."
This stops me cold. If a simple workshop scenario can bring someone to tears, what’s the real pain happening in our workplaces?
🚨 The Real Issue
This isn't about cake (however, the cake can be the trigger!).
It's about exclusion—and how even the perception of being left out causes real pain.
"To us social beings, us humans: social pain is real pain."
Social pain, eg rejection, isolation, exclusion, triggers the same brain response as physical pain. Scientists call it "social pain" - and it's as real as a broken arm. But here's the challenge: we get sympathy for physical pain vs judgment for social pain.
(And before you retort, "But maybe we asked Paula five times and she never came!"—stop making assumptions. People often still want to be asked, even if they've said no before. It's about feeling like they belong.)
✅ The Solution?
Choose curiosity. Stop assuming. Engage in more conversations, more often.
🔍 Project Aristotle
When geniuses at Google studied hundreds of teams to crack the code for what made up the highest performing teams, they discovered something not that surprising: it wasn't about who was on the team (eg IQ levels), but rather how they treated one another in their team.
The best teams were the teams with the highest levels of psychological safety - they showed they cared, they respected each other's emotions and made everyone feel like they belonged.
This isn't about being warm and fuzzy; it's about performance.
Teams with high levels of trust, connection and belonging outperform those that don't.
✅ Actionable Tips:
🎉 Create inclusive rituals: Establish team practices for welcoming new members, celebrating milestones, and supporting during challenges
🤗 Actively include: Don't just avoid excluding people - make deliberate efforts to invite and include them. Look out for risk factors to this (esp in a hybrid environment)
💬 Replace assumptions with curiosity: Stop making assumptions and start asking questions when someone seems excluded or upset
❤️ Check in about the person: Ask about their wellbeing, about how they ‘feel’, not just work progress, both in-person and virtually
🧠 Remember and follow up: Note personal details people share and circle back to ask how things are going
📛 Use names consistently: Everyone's name is the sweetest sound to them - use it frequently and correctly
✍️ Write personal notes: Handwritten messages show genuine care and investment in the relationship
How do you ensure you are not accidentally creating ‘social pain’ in someone you work with or who works for you? 🤔
You want to know more about how Blythe creates meaningful connections? ✨
👉 Check out Blythe’s LinkedIn profile to read more articles and blogs!
