The Year was 1985. The place, St Michael’s Primary School. The activity, the dreaded lunchtime team sport. The two cool kids, the sporty kids, the captains, their role - to hand-pick their team. One by one, they would carefully select their team, and inevitably, I was always one of the last two kids left. The humiliation, I still remember the feeling, it was torture. Now, to be fair to them, I wasn’t really a ball-sports kind of gal ( I was a gymnast, a dancer), so in hindsight, I am sure it wasn’t personal. But try to tell that to a vulnerable 8-year-old kid. The sheer embarrassment of being the last one chosen - it hurt like hell.
Fast forward fifteen minutes, after being put way out in the field (in the hope that I didn’t have to be in the play), the softball (that is not that soft, I can assure you) is flying towards me. All eyes on me - waiting for me to catch the ball so we could get the batter out. But alas, instead of catching it, what did I do? Duck, of course! As I ducked, the ball smashes me in the tummy, I get knocked out cold, winded and concussed.
Now here’s the thing, if only I had known then what I know now!
That the pain I’d felt only fifteen minutes before the physical pain of being winded and concussed - the pain I’d felt of being left out, of feeling rejected - it’s REAL PAIN!
Neuroscientists call this ‘Social Pain’, and they claim that the social pain of feeling ‘left out’, ‘rejected’, or ‘not belonging’, it fires up the same part of our brain as physical pain. So that gut-wrenching feeling of rejection - it’s real and it hurts just as much as physical pain. Only it’s much harder to explain or see.
US HUMANS, We're wired to connect.
It's as fundamental as our need for food and shelter. And we don’t feel connected, we suffer, we experience pain. Ironically, in our hyper-connected world, we're lonelier than ever. In this era of i-Phones, i-Pads, i’Macs - everything's about "I" instead of "we." We’re more concerned with taking selfies than being interested in others. 90% of our social media chats are often about us banging on about ourselves. And get this, one interesting UK survey reported that 58% of people admitted they could survive a day without talking to their partner, versus giving up their phone for 24 hours (I kinda get it, at least Siri's guaranteed to respond! ha)
"Us humans, we are wired to connect. Our need to connect is as fundamental as our need for food and shelter. And when we don't feel like we connect or belong, we suffer, we experience pain!"
🤔 Actionable Tips:
🔍 Spot any connection killers: Are you glued to your phone during conversations, talking over others, or using "I, I, I" language constantly?
👁️ Eyes up, phones down: Make proper eye contact and be present during conversations
🤝 Switch from "I" to "we" language: Use inclusive terms that build connection rather than self-focused language
🎯 Get intentional about building belonging: Look out for risks where others may not feel like they belong (esp in hybrid workplace) take small intentional actions to show you care
None of us wants to accidentally cause pain in others!
It's time to be intentional about how we interact with others. By creating small, positive moments throughout our day, we can make a profound difference in how someone feels - helping them know they belong and that they truly matter.
You want to know more about how Blythe creates meaningful connections? ✨
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